On Feeling Disconnected and Lost after Entering Adulthood

By Darius Cikanavicius

Over the years, I have encountered, observed, and professionally worked with many people who come from difficult childhood environments. One common feature that these people, and the vast majority of people, have after becoming adults is feeling empty, lacking, and lost.

Many of us enter adulthood hurt, deprived, misled, lonely, anxious, tired, angry, numb, bored, or terrified. When a person grows up, leaves their childhood home, and “becomes an adult,” it is common for them to feel totally lost and disconnected. They don’t know who they are, what they like, how they feel, where to go, and what to do about it.

Now why do so many people feel this way?

If, as a child, it is forbidden to be yourself, and if your true self is met with violence, rejection, scorn, or invalidation, then you learn to hide it. This is necessary to your survival in an otherwise problematic or dangerous environment. And so you repress your feelings, you hide your thoughts, you abandon your interests, and you don’t show anything that may get you hurt or otherwise rejected.

This is not a momentary event but rather a long and continuous process. Eventually, you become so shielded, numb, and disconnected from yourself that you no longer have an idea of who you actually are.

That’s why we have so many adults walking around saying, “I don’t know what I like.” Or, “I know what I am supposed to feel but I just don’t feel anything.” For a lot of people, it takes years of mental rehabilitation, healing, growing, and soul-searching before they are able to rediscover their hobbies, or to become more in touch of their emotions, or to set better boundaries, or to develop their own individual thinking, or to have healthier and more fulfilling relationships.

Many others live their whole lives without even entertaining the possibility that there is something wrong, and then one day they simply die and that’s it. This is tragic.

But it doesn’t have to be this way. Things can be better. It may take a lot of work and some time, but it’s possible.

Human beings can endure a lot. We are also highly adaptable. It is never too late to change your life.

You can make a conscious decision right now, set a goal, and start working towards it. Ask for help if necessary.

Or don’t do anything. It’s up to you.

That’s the best thing about being an adult: nobody is in charge of your life anymore. You can make your own choices. And sometimes it takes some time of doing nothing before you feel free and comfortable enough to widely open the doors of your life and venture out into the world with a different mindset.

Is it something you can personally relate to? Do you know people who have experienced this? What did you find helpful in your personal journey? Feel free to let me and others know in the comments below or write about it in your journal.

Support my work by becoming a Patreon subscriber for $5/mo or more and get access to bonus articles. And check out my book Human Development and Trauma: How Childhood Shapes Us into Who We Are as Adults. Thanks!

Comments

  1. dzikidzikJuly 15, 2017 at 6:56 PM

    It was and is certainly true for me. Thanks for writing about it, for hope and advice.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Darius CikanaviciusJuly 16, 2017 at 2:27 AM

    You're welcome, Michal!

    ReplyDelete
  3. ShaneOctober 4, 2020 at 5:24 PM

    Imagine feeling this from the very first day you were born. Adoption separation trauma is permanent.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

MOST POPULAR POSTS

Character Assassination—and How to Handle It

By Darius Cikanavicius
Image
Those of us who have encountered people with narcissistic, predatory, or even sociopathic tendencies (for the sake of simplicity referred to as manipulator ) have experienced a phenomenon where the manipulator tries to vilify you by using triangulation , gossiping, power play, mischaracterization, and other tactics. It usually goes like this....  The Mechanism Behind It The manipulator is driven by shame, insecurity, and fear. As soon as they start feeling inferior, or as soon as you notice the manipulator's toxicity—or as soon as they notice you noticing their toxicity—they begin feeling deep insecurity. In their attempt to manage it, they may try to cover their tracks and save their image by giving you made up explanations and excuses, instead of recognizing their unhealthiness and working on themselves to overcome it. If you are able to see though their smoke and mirrors tactics, ideally you will either set a firm boundary and distance yourself from them or they wi
Read more

Empathy And Laughing At Others’ Misery

By Darius Cikanavicius
Image
A lot of people lack empathy and don’t understand the connection between one’s past and one’s present. Based on the world we live in, I don’t think it’s an outrageous statement to make. Most people lack empathy for themselves, therefore they are unconscious of their own emotions and motives – and by extension they can’t empathize with others. I often hear people say, “Oh, he’s just this weird smelly man.” Or, “He was such a good boy when he was little, and now he’s so mean, I don’t know what happened!“ Or, “She’s just a dumb, filthy whore, how pathetic.” Or, “Haha, he’s so stupid! How could he do this kind of stuff, that‘s retarded.” And so on... Every person was a child once. However, a lot of people fail to understand that. Since they haven’t processed their own past, they see others as they are right now – and that’s it. They can’t comprehend that this person was a child once, and a lot of things happened before (s)he became a person that they are today. They didn’t just fall fr
Read more

8 Reasons Why People Deny Childhood Trauma and Its Results

By Darius Cikanavicius
Image
Why do people think they had a good, normal childhood, or deny childhood trauma and its results altogether? I often hear people say things like: My childhood was normal.  Yes, there were some good things and some bad things – but that's life. My mother got sad, distant, or angry when I didn't perform well or acted badly, and my father sometimes hit me with a belt – but it was for my own good. All of this helped me to become a better person – and I'm thankful for it.  Yes, sometimes I feel depressed, very lonely, or empty – but we all feel like that.  My parents were strict, but they loved me and I turned out fine.  Yes, some people experienced a lot of abuse growing up, but I was never traumatized, and I don't have any inner wounds. I look at people, and I can very easily see the symptoms of childhood trauma. I see children being abused, and I see grownups with numerous inner wounds that resulted from being traumatized. It’s obvious to me. I see chil
Read more