SELF-ARCHEOLOGY

Over the years, I have encountered, observed, and professionally worked with many people who come from difficult childhood environments . One common feature that these people, and the vast majority of people, have after becoming adults is feeling empty, lacking, and lost. Many of us enter adulthood hurt, deprived, misled, lonely, anxious, tired, angry, numb, bored, or terrified. When a person grows up, leaves their childhood home, and “becomes an adult,” it is common for them to feel totally lost and disconnected. They don’t know who they are, what they like, how they feel, where to go, and what to do about it. Now why do so many people feel this way? If, as a child, it is forbidden to be yourself, and if your true self is met with violence, rejection, scorn , or invalidation, then you learn to hide it. This is necessary to your survival in an otherwise problematic or dangerous environment. And so you repress your feelings, you hide your thoughts, you abandon your interests, a...

To understand this article better, it is highly recommended to read the previous one titled Narcissism: What It Is and Isn’t . The Role of Self-Esteem in Narcissist’s Self-Image One of the biggest misconceptions about narcissistic people is that the narcissistic person has a high self-esteem. It’s an easy mistake: some of them look fancy, have money, know how to get what they want, are respected, famous, powerful, and so on. In actuality though, they have low self-esteem. It only seems like they have a high self-esteem because they associate themselves with things that they perceive as having status or they pretend and imitate those who actually have high, healthy self-esteem. All of this gives them narcissistic supply from others and boosts their false sense of self-worth. Since a narcissist’s sense of self-esteem comes from other people’s perception of them, and since they see themselves as both not enough and perfect (depending on the situation), their main drive is to mana...

Definition(s) of Narcissism There are many definitions and classifications of narcissism. Some put it together with sociopathy or psychopathy, others say there is both an overlap and a distinction between them. Sociopathy and psychopathy are also not clearly distinct as separate concepts and often are used synonymously. Regardless of its many definitions, I find it helpful to conceptualize narcissism as a spectrum, just like any other set of character traits, behavioral patterns, and psychoemotional problems. Meaning, usually there are shades and nuances. Yes, there are people who can be called narcissists because they clearly fit all the criteria, but most fall somewhere in the middle. They are not 100 percent narcissistic but exhibit some traits, which may be somewhere from negligible, to mild, to severe, and everything in between. Rarely a person who possesses narcissistic traits is a complete narcissist, and even those who display more severe narcissistic traits are not just ...

Practice listening to yourself and meaning-making. This is a quick article on the topic of self-connection. Here, I will talk about the importance of self-connection, the origins and difficulties of (self-)disconnection, and the cultivation of self-validation and individuality. The Origins and Results of Disconnection When we are children, we often are invalidated, mistreated, rejected, frightened, manipulated, confused, and abused in a thousand other ways. To avoid all of that and survive in our toxic and dangerous environment, we learn to adapt to it by disconnecting from it—and, fundamentally, from ourselves. Then we grow up, and those survival and defense mechanisms carry into our adulthood and manifest themselves in the same or similar forms. Except now, being in a completely different habitat, they are not protecting us but hinder our growth and lead to numerous problematic, even unhealthy situations, behaviors, and moods. Being disconnected from yourself leads to realit...

It is highly recommended to read Part 1 and Part 2 before reading the following. We’ve already established why and how disconnected people react when in confrontation with reality, and that in order to remain in denial and disconnection one has to ignore trauma and silence reason—that of other people and in themselves. Here, I will talk about the personal and social effects of being a voice of reason. There are both negative and positive consequences related to being a voice of reason in our society. The negatives: 1. Social outrage. If you decide to be principled and to have high integrity, you see that most people don’t objectively see reality. If you share your insight and stand up for what is objectively right, some of those people will get upset and try to silence you. Remember, in their eyes, the problem is not the horrors and injustices of reality that you are describing, but rather the problem is YOU describing it because you are challenging their denial and delusio...

In the first part , I talked about many people’s tendency to silence the voice of reason—in themselves and in others—and the psychological mechanisms behind it. Here, I will talk about principled versus unprincipled thinking and its consequences. To be able to conceptualize reality accurately, a person has to have rational, clear, sound, and consistent principles and values. Failure to do so leads to, among other things, confusion and delusion. One would think that a human being would want to aim to be as principled and virtuous as possible. Ideally, yes. However, if a person’s true feelings, thoughts, and experiences are silenced from childhood, they don’t learn to have rational principles (as talked about in part one), because it’s actually dangerous to have principles and integrity when you are small and dependent. This deep fear usually carries out into one’s adulthood, so a person, who is now an adult, is trained not to have principles and to have a strong reaction to a voice of...

“Don't conceptualize reality as it is!” In this series of articles, I will talk about people’s avoidance of reality, and about personal and social outrage when encountering a voice of reason. In the first part that is this article, I will explain the origins of a person’s unreasonable reaction to describing reality and the mechanism behind this phenomenon. I will also talk about the social outcomes of openly describing the unpleasant aspects of reality, especially child mistreatment. All of us have probably been in a situation where we saw something and we’ve tried to describe or address it, but we were quickly shut down or realized it is not allowed to do so. If all of our memories were accessible to our conscious mind, most likely we would see that it started very early. Children are born rational and smart, in a sense that initially they try to experience and describe reality as it is. Sadly, in childhood and adolescence many of us are not allowed to describe reality corr...

Contrary to some people’s expectation, this article will not be a jolly, ho-ho-holiday read, despite it having both "holiday" and "hope" in its title. It will be about the reality of how a lot of people perceive holidays and their life in general, and about a possible alternative to that. As some of you may or may not have observed, many people live a lost, confusing, unconscious, and unhappy life. One of the manifestations of this phenomenon is that they live from one event or happening to another. Halloween is coming! I better get those decorations and candy ready! Aaaand it’s gone—but Christmas is next! Family time, gifts, Jesus, and songs! Aaaand it’s gone—but New Year is next! Aaaand it’s gone—but my birthday is next! Your friend John’s birthday; a new Star Wars movie, a new Fallout video game; NBA playoffs; Black Friday, a new episode of Game of Thrones, a weekend, etc. Don’t get me wrong, it’s wonderful to feel excited, and some of those things can provide ...

I’ve heard many people refer to themselves or others as shy – both in the context of their current life and their childhood. “I am a shy person.” My child is very shy.” “Oh, she’s just shy.” Basically, “shy” is a more socially acceptable and less direct way of saying that one is scared of, or anxious about, people. It’s a euphemism, if you will. In the dictionary the word “shy” is described as “nervous or timid in the company of other people.” However, when you say, “shy,” people usually don’t feel uncomfortable. “What’s going on with her?” “Nothing. She’s just shy.” “Oh, OK.” But when you say it how it really is, it makes some people uncomfortable. (Or it may be an uncomfortable thing to say about yourself.) “He looks kind of meek and avoidant. What’s up with him?” “He’s scared of people and social situations.” Well, this raises questions and makes a lot of people uncomfortable. “Why is he scared of people…? Why does he have low self-esteem…? I wonder, what happened in h...

I’ve written about the classification of child abuse in one of my previous articles, and I’ve talked about child abuse and its results many times before. Most people tend to deny or downplay the epidemic of childhood trauma and its results. This denial, which also transforms into projection and acting out, manifests on a personal and social level. On a personal level it takes various forms of neurosis, addiction, delusion, dissociation, dysfunction, depression, irrationality, misunderstanding of what’s healthy, confusion about one’s identity and boundaries, chronic fear and anxiety, irresponsibility , warped self-esteem, unhappiness, self harm, physical illnesses, and other psychological and physical problems. On a social level it is evident in such phenomenons as wars, rape, violence, predation, lack of rationality, harmful institutions and social structures, exploitation, mass delusions, unhealthy relationships, oversexualization, extreme lack of empathy for others , enormous im...

The holiday season is a cheerful or ordinary time for some and a depressing or stressful period for many. It’s advertised by the culture as a joyous time of the year, but since most of the society is extremely anxious, depressed, and dissociated, a lot of people’s anxiety and depression creep to the surface. A person is expected – by others or by themselves – to feel happiness, vitality, connection with others, and gratitude. But many actually feel anxiety, loneliness, tiredness, sadness, shame, guilt, hate, confusion, and hopelessness. A person looks around and (falsely) perceives others as being happy: singing songs, buying gifts, spending time with their families and friends, eating, drinking, and partying. They look at themselves and at his or her emotional state, and they feel bad and confused. A lot of people feel guilty and shameful that they don't feel happy. “It seems that everybody’s having fun, but I feel depressed.” “What is wrong with me?” “Everyone’s enjoying their ...

This blog post is mostly for my own amusement, but I hope others will find some value in it, too. In my adolescence and adult years, I was always drawn to horror/mystery/thriller type of TV shows, movies, and video games. In the past, playing horror video games gave me the opportunity to unconsciously connect with the fear, confusion, hurt, despair, anger, and terror that was inside of me – because that's what I was feeling in my childhood, adolescence, and even in my adulthood. By playing horror video games, I could recreate these unpleasant feelings in a controlled environment where I could fight my inner and especially outer demons, and actually defeat them. In a virtual world, I wasn't completely helpless and powerless like I was in real life; I had some control. I got something similar out of TV shows and movies, too – I got to feel these unpleasant, unprocessed, and very familiar emotions, and not to feel alone with them. That's how repetition compulsion works. W...