Q&A: What to Do When Your Close One Is Depressed and Rejects Communication?

By Darius Cikanavicius

Question

What do I do when my loved one feels depressed and when I try to figure out what’s going on they don’t respond to my messages and don’t pick up the phone?

Answer

It is difficult to tell without knowing more about the situation. Is this how they usually act? Is it related to you or your relationship? How “depressed” are they? Are they simply sad or overwhelmed, or is it more serious, like suicidal, self-sabotaging, or self-harmful thoughts and actions?

If no one’s well-being is in any immediate danger, I think the best way thing to do is simply talk to them when they feel a little better. Approach them with curiosity and empathy. Ask questions, express genuine compassion, be attentive and understanding. Avoid putting your own discontent above their struggles. It’s not about you right now. 

Understand that they are not doing it to hurt or upset you. They are simply emotionally overwhelmed, and their way of coping with it is to isolate themselves from the world, including you. So don’t start the conversation by angrily complaining, “Why don’t you respond to my text messages?!” Instead, you could say, “I understand that you are stressed and overwhelmed. It’s very unfortunate and painful to see you suffer like this. Would you like to tell me more about what is going on for you?”

It is important to understand that when we human beings feel depressed or overwhelmed, it’s not necessarily that we don’t know what to do. Usually we simply want support and understanding from others, or a calm, safe space to understand and regulate our emotions. When we start feeling better, we become more proactive and energetic, which leads to more productive and proactive problem-solving. But before a person gets there, they may feel completely helpless, lost, or unmotivated. You may feel tempted to try to fix things for them or offer quick solutions, but oftentimes that’s not what the person actually needs. 

Offering advice may seem helpful, and might make you feel better, but it is unlikely this is what the person needs or wants you to do unless is it specifically asked for. Unsolicited advice can actually make the person feel worse. Instead, what you can do to help a person who acts like this is to let them know that you are here for them, that you care, that you want to help if they need it. 

They may or may not accept your help, or even want to do anything for themselves, but that’s out of your control. Stay empathetic, curious, compassionate, but don’t treat them as a helpless child or a dependent. Be open to listening, be open to helping, but be open to doing nothing too if that’s more appropriate. Unless it’s infrequent or a very specific request, you don’t want to enable a dependency-laden relationship dynamic. Fundamentally, they are still a self-responsible adult; you are only here to help and support them, not to save them or continuously do things for them. You want them to eventually learn how to deal with their problems or get professional help to learn that. 

Also, never promise things to them and then not keep your promise. So if you don’t really feel like being there for them or helping them in other ways, don’t tell them that. Avoid telling them that everything is or will be okay, because you don’t know that and can’t make sure that it will be. In other words, the least helpful thing you can do to somebody when they are vulnerable is to lie to and bullshit them. Even worse is when people then make up excuses why they promised something and then didn’t keep their promise. Your close one is already upset and disillusioned with human relationships because they are isolating themselves, and this behavior would be another betrayal, which would make them feel worse overall. 

You can also express your request for a minimum amount of communication. You could say, “If you want to spend some time alone, then I understand and I won’t be bothering you. But could you at least send me a quick message and let me know that you’re OK?” If the person actually wants to be alone, respect their wishes. Don’t interrogate or moralize them, as it may make them even more sad or upset. 

Give them time and space. When talking to them, be gentle, concentrate more on them, if possible, help them feel safer and more relaxed. The safer and more relaxed they feel, the greater the chances are that they will open up. When in doubt, reassure them that you care about them and you are here if they need you, and then actually be there for them.

Good luck!
Darius

Support my work by becoming a Patreon subscriber for $5/mo or more and get access to bonus articles. And check out my book Human Development and Trauma: How Childhood Shapes Us into Who We Are as Adults. Thanks!

Comments

Post a Comment

MOST POPULAR POSTS

Character Assassination—and How to Handle It

By Darius Cikanavicius
Image
Those of us who have encountered people with narcissistic, predatory, or even sociopathic tendencies (for the sake of simplicity referred to as manipulator ) have experienced a phenomenon where the manipulator tries to vilify you by using triangulation , gossiping, power play, mischaracterization, and other tactics. It usually goes like this....  The Mechanism Behind It The manipulator is driven by shame, insecurity, and fear. As soon as they start feeling inferior, or as soon as you notice the manipulator's toxicity—or as soon as they notice you noticing their toxicity—they begin feeling deep insecurity. In their attempt to manage it, they may try to cover their tracks and save their image by giving you made up explanations and excuses, instead of recognizing their unhealthiness and working on themselves to overcome it. If you are able to see though their smoke and mirrors tactics, ideally you will either set a firm boundary and distance yourself from them or they wi...
Read more

Empathy And Laughing At Others’ Misery

By Darius Cikanavicius
Image
A lot of people lack empathy and don’t understand the connection between one’s past and one’s present. Based on the world we live in, I don’t think it’s an outrageous statement to make. Most people lack empathy for themselves, therefore they are unconscious of their own emotions and motives – and by extension they can’t empathize with others. I often hear people say, “Oh, he’s just this weird smelly man.” Or, “He was such a good boy when he was little, and now he’s so mean, I don’t know what happened!“ Or, “She’s just a dumb, filthy whore, how pathetic.” Or, “Haha, he’s so stupid! How could he do this kind of stuff, that‘s retarded.” And so on... Every person was a child once. However, a lot of people fail to understand that. Since they haven’t processed their own past, they see others as they are right now – and that’s it. They can’t comprehend that this person was a child once, and a lot of things happened before (s)he became a person that they are today. They didn’t just fall fr...
Read more

8 Reasons Why People Deny Childhood Trauma and Its Results

By Darius Cikanavicius
Image
Why do people think they had a good, normal childhood, or deny childhood trauma and its results altogether? I often hear people say things like: My childhood was normal.  Yes, there were some good things and some bad things – but that's life. My mother got sad, distant, or angry when I didn't perform well or acted badly, and my father sometimes hit me with a belt – but it was for my own good. All of this helped me to become a better person – and I'm thankful for it.  Yes, sometimes I feel depressed, very lonely, or empty – but we all feel like that.  My parents were strict, but they loved me and I turned out fine.  Yes, some people experienced a lot of abuse growing up, but I was never traumatized, and I don't have any inner wounds. I look at people, and I can very easily see the symptoms of childhood trauma. I see children being abused, and I see grownups with numerous inner wounds that resulted from being traumatized. It’s obvious to me. I see c...
Read more