SELF-ARCHEOLOGY

Perfectionism is one the most widespread  tendencies people suffer from, and it is nearly always a consequence of a dysfunctional childhood environment. In this environment, the individual was overly controlled and abused in other ways, and such a person was, among other things, expected to meet unrealistic standards, to be flawless, and was actively or passively punished for doing anything the caregiver disapproved of, and didn’t receive enough genuine love and attention. Over many years, this conditions the child to be terrified of errors or of even being perceived as imperfect.  Such a person’s caregivers usually, but not always, possess strong narcissistic traits where they either won’t or can’t see the child as a separate, self-interested human being; they child is perceived as an extension of themselves or someone who’s only here to meet their needs. The child was told what to do, what to feel, what to think, and consequently, were unable to develop a strong sense of sel...

People who have strong narcissistic tendencies and other toxic people are known for their manipulation tactics. Some of them are consciously cunning and deceiving. While others are more primitive and blunt in their disturbing behaviors. Whatever the case may be, such people tend to project heavily, not take responsibility for their actions, blame others, and use gaslighting. Here are some of the things abusers and toxic people say to their victims, and what it means: It’s for your own good. Meaning, you should be grateful, not upset. You’re too sensitive. Meaning, your reaction to my toxicity is unreasonable. It’s your fault. Meaning, I did nothing wrong here; it’s you. You deserve it. Meaning, you are deserving of being mistreated. Don’t be so dramatic. Meaning, you’re overreacting and instigating conflict. You are so cold, cruel, and lack forgiveness. Meaning, you shouldn’t hold me responsible for my hurtful and manipulative behavior. You made me do it. Meaning, you are respon...

All of us have probably heard this saying at some point in our lives: blood is thicker than water. When people say that, they usually mean that family is the most important thing, or that a person’s relationship with their family members is more important than any other relationship that they may have.  But is it true? By what logic? And compared to what standard? These are the questions that we will try to explore in this article. What Does It Mean? There is no doubt that our caregivers are the people we have spent the most time with. So they are, indeed, the closest people we know, both historically and geographically. However, it doesn’t mean that these are the people who we have the deepest, healthiest or most meaningful relationship with.  It doesn’t even mean that the relationship is good. Actually, it can be pretty bad, and the people in it are either unaware or even ignorant that this is the case. Yet, if they believe that family is above everything else, then they hav...

In my personal and professional life, I have met and observed many people who are desperately trying to get approval and acceptance from others, never feeling enough, and being terrified of many forms of social rejection.  For many, hurt and invalidation starts very early and routinely continues throughout their life in one form or another. As a result, so many people learn that a sense of self-esteem and self-worth fundamentally comes not from within but from others, therefore they constantly seek other’s people’s approval or attention.  The Mechanism Behind It When you are a small child whose whole existence and well-being depends on others, it is vital not to feel rejected because for a child rejection equals existential death. And since as children we are constantly hurt and rejected in many overt and highly subtle ways, a lot of us grow up into wounded and self-less adults whose self-perception is skewed or blurry, to the degree to which we haven’t resolved it. If we neve...

Validation for Healing and Personal Growth People who have been abused, mistreated, hurt, or wronged in any other way almost universally seek validation. We talk to others, tell our stories, write about it, and express it in other ways.  Even perpetrators do it because, in their mind, they are the ones being wronged even though they are the ones harming others—but that’s a separate topic. Here, we will only talk about people who were actually wronged and who tend to avoid scenarios that resemble how a perpetrator seeks validation or actually receives enabling.  Everyone in their own mind wants to make sense out of their painful experiences and be validated that they are right. A commonly used way is to talk about it with others. The most productive scenario is probably to seek professional help, assuming that you can find a competent enough helper, be it a therapist, life coach, counselor, social worker, etc. But, depending on the situation, sometimes friends, family, or even ...

In the previous articles we talked about the signs of controlling parenting and why controlling parenting doesn’t work in terms of raising a healthy, happy, self-sufficient individual. Today, we will look at the common problems people raised in a controlling environment have as adults. If you have been raised in a controlling environment or know somebody who has, you may recognize some of the signs described below. 1. Lack of Motivation and Self-Interest  After years of working with clients and simply observing people, I have encountered many people who had experienced a controlling childhood environment and consequently lost a sense of self-interest and intrinsic motivation. People don’t know who they are, what they really want, why they are actually doing what they’re doing, what they “should” be doing, and so on. Some say that they wouldn’t be so good as some skill or behavior if they hadn’t been pushed by their childhood authority figure, which may be true, but this is nevert...

In the previous article , we looked at the most common signs of controlling parenting. Here, we will expand on why controlling child-rearing style is ineffective.  First, one might say that it does work: you want the child to act, think or feel a certain way, and controlling parenting can achieve exactly that. Coercion works when the goal is to make someone do what you want them to do right then and there. There are a few glaring problems here, though.  Four reasons why controlling child-rearing doesn’t work 1. It’s morally wrong  It is morally wrong to use aggressive force, threats, or manipulation to make others comply to your wants. If you accept that children are human beings too, which most people probably do accept (at least in theory), then this method is simply unacceptable. If we were use aggressive force, threats, or manipulation against anybody else in our lives – a spouse, stranger, parent, friend, or coworker – our actions would be identified as either assaul...

There are different styles of child rearing and, unfortunately, the controlling style is one of the most prevalent. Here, instead of gently guiding the child’s authentic self, the parent tries to make and mold the child into whatever they think the child should be.  As the term implies, the core indication of controlling parenting is a controlling approach towards the child. The controlling parenting style is sometimes also called authoritarian or helicopter parenting , and this is because the parent is acting in an authoritarian manner or is hovering over the child and controlling their every move. The methods used to implement it involve violating the child’s boundaries or not meeting the child’s true needs. Signs of the Controlling Parenting Style 1. Unrealistic expectations and doomed to fail scenarios  The child is expected to meet irrational, unhealthy, or simply unattainable standards, and is punished if and when they don’t. For example, your father tells you to do som...

To understand this article better, it is highly recommended to read the previous two titled  Narcissism: What It Is and Isn’t   and  Narcissism and Self-Esteem . Narcissistic Phases and Tactics: Two Examples 1. Close relationships (romantic, familial, friendship, acquaintanceship) If you are unwilling or unable to provide narcissistic supply anymore, the narcissistic individual will feel wronged because, for them, you only exist to give them what they want. And since they feel entitled to what they want, they believe that your refusal is an act of aggression against them. Often this formula disregards reality, but to them, it is real. To deal with this and all the emotions that come with it, then, the narcissistic person will behave a certain way. The mechanism narcissists use is sometimes described as the Drama Triangle , which consists of three roles: the Victim, the Persecutor, and the Rescuer. Now, there are two versions of the triangle: the objective one a...

To understand this article better, it is highly recommended to read the previous one titled Narcissism: What It Is and Isn’t . The Role of Self-Esteem in Narcissist’s Self-Image One of the biggest misconceptions about narcissistic people is that the narcissistic person has a high self-esteem. It’s an easy mistake: some of them look fancy, have money, know how to get what they want, are respected, famous, powerful, and so on. In actuality though, they have low self-esteem. It only seems like they have a high self-esteem because they associate themselves with things that they perceive as having status or they pretend and imitate those who actually have high, healthy self-esteem. All of this gives them narcissistic supply from others and boosts their false sense of self-worth. Since a narcissist’s sense of self-esteem comes from other people’s perception of them, and since they see themselves as both not enough and perfect (depending on the situation), their main drive is to mana...

Definition(s) of Narcissism There are many definitions and classifications of narcissism. Some put it together with sociopathy or psychopathy, others say there is both an overlap and a distinction between them. Sociopathy and psychopathy are also not clearly distinct as separate concepts and often are used synonymously. Regardless of its many definitions, I find it helpful to conceptualize narcissism as a spectrum, just like any other set of character traits, behavioral patterns, and psychoemotional problems. Meaning, usually there are shades and nuances. Yes, there are people who can be called narcissists because they clearly fit all the criteria, but most fall somewhere in the middle. They are not 100 percent narcissistic but exhibit some traits, which may be somewhere from negligible, to mild, to severe, and everything in between. Rarely a person who possesses narcissistic traits is a complete narcissist, and even those who display more severe narcissistic traits are not just ...

QUESTION The longer I know someone, the more anxious I feel around them. Why is that? ANSWER It is hard to say for sure without knowing a person’s history and the particular situation they are in. Based on my personal and professional experience, someone who feels increasingly anxious around others is afraid of the relationship becoming more close and more intimate. Not necessarily in a romantic or sexual way (although it can definitely be that, too), but just knowing each other better, being more vulnerable, and so on. Now why is that? Generally, I see two cases: one , the person is afraid of building an intimate, caring, loving bond with someone, and two , they are scared of others exploiting and deliberately hurting them. Sometimes it is a combination of both. In the first scenario , the person is not used to healthy intimacy and has trust issues. They may not know how to have mutual respect, reciprocity, and power equality—or even what it looks like. They also may not kno...