SELF-ARCHEOLOGY

All of us have probably heard this saying at some point in our lives: blood is thicker than water. When people say that, they usually mean that family is the most important thing, or that a person’s relationship with their family members is more important than any other relationship that they may have.  But is it true? By what logic? And compared to what standard? These are the questions that we will try to explore in this article. What Does It Mean? There is no doubt that our caregivers are the people we have spent the most time with. So they are, indeed, the closest people we know, both historically and geographically. However, it doesn’t mean that these are the people who we have the deepest, healthiest or most meaningful relationship with.  It doesn’t even mean that the relationship is good. Actually, it can be pretty bad, and the people in it are either unaware or even ignorant that this is the case. Yet, if they believe that family is above everything else, then they hav...

One of the most common euphemisms and justifications for a certain type of childhood trauma is “growing up too fast.” It is a euphemism because it is used to minimize the pain that the person felt as a child when their needs weren’t being met by describing it in seemingly neutral or even positive language. It’s a justification because it is often used to argue that growing up faster and becoming “mature beyond your years” is indeed a good thing. We will explore and address all of this here. The Origins and the Mechanism What is frequently called “growing up too fast” or “being mature beyond your years” is simply neglect and abuse. Many children grow up in an environment where they are neglected and abused in such ways that they become “little adults” who, not only can take care of themselves better or are wiser than others, but also take care of their parents, siblings, or other family members. Its origins can be summarized in two main points. One, it happens because parents attribute ...

Question What do I do when my loved one feels depressed and when I try to figure out what’s going on they don’t respond to my messages and don’t pick up the phone? Answer It is difficult to tell without knowing more about the situation. Is this how they usually act? Is it related to you or your relationship? How “depressed” are they? Are they simply sad or overwhelmed, or is it more serious, like suicidal, self-sabotaging, or self-harmful thoughts and actions? If no one’s well-being is in any immediate danger, I think the best way thing to do is simply talk to them when they feel a little better. Approach them with curiosity and empathy. Ask questions, express genuine compassion, be attentive and understanding. Avoid putting your own discontent above their struggles. It’s not about you right now.  Understand that they are not doing it to hurt or upset you. They are simply emotionally overwhelmed, and their way of coping with it is to isolate themselves from the world, inc...

This article is a response to an old, yet very pertinent comment regarding childhood trauma and its effects. About three years ago, I wrote an article called Child Abuse and Its Results in Today's Society . Some time after, a person named Lisa left this public comment: I didn't publish it at the time for relatively obvious reasons, and then completely forgot about it. But yesterday I was looking at all the unapproved comments, saw it, and thought it could be useful to comment on it. This is a rhetorical response only; I'm not actually addressing Lisa personally. I've met and observed many people who say and do similar things, and who have a similar personality and communication methods. I'm simply using this comment as a background context—an example, or a vehicle, if you will—to talk about a bigger, highly common issue that is childhood trauma. Now, disclaimer aside, let's get to it. Not that I do not agree with any of this, but as a parent (and someone ...

This is the first entry in the new series, "Self-Archeology Q&A," where I answer a question or respond to a comment. The first question I want to tackle today is a very common one. I’ve gotten this question from a substantial amount of people, and I have observed many struggling with it, so I will share my thoughts on it in a form of a structured article in hope that it will be useful to more people. Question: Should I, as an adult, talk to my caregiver* about my hurtful and otherwise problematic childhood experiences? Answer: First, it is worth noting that the question itself is formulated incorrectly—not from a grammatical but from a psychological perspective. The word 'should,' by definition, indicates an obligation, a lack of choice. You are not obligated to talk to your caregivers about anything, nor you are forced to do so. You can if you want to —but there is no should here. I’m not going to talk about the argument why this is the case in great de...

In this episode of Self-Archeological Conversations, Darius and Jackie talk about black and white thinking, its origins, and how it manifests in one's personal and social life. The hosts explore how this psychological phenomenon is related to family roles, to repetition compulsion, and to projection in one's adult life. It is also examined how it is connected to idealization or vilification of perceived heroes, idols, celebrities, enthusiasts, and helpers, to individualism versus tribalism, and to a general lack of a healthier perspective.

The second episode of our podcast is here! In it, I and my co-host Jackie talk about the concepts of hope, passivity (self-)responsibility, boundaries, and more. Get cozy and join us for an hour of self-archeology.

Contrary to some people’s expectation, this article will not be a jolly, ho-ho-holiday read, despite it having both "holiday" and "hope" in its title. It will be about the reality of how a lot of people perceive holidays and their life in general, and about a possible alternative to that. As some of you may or may not have observed, many people live a lost, confusing, unconscious, and unhappy life. One of the manifestations of this phenomenon is that they live from one event or happening to another. Halloween is coming! I better get those decorations and candy ready! Aaaand it’s gone—but Christmas is next! Family time, gifts, Jesus, and songs! Aaaand it’s gone—but New Year is next! Aaaand it’s gone—but my birthday is next! Your friend John’s birthday; a new Star Wars movie, a new Fallout video game; NBA playoffs; Black Friday, a new episode of Game of Thrones, a weekend, etc. Don’t get me wrong, it’s wonderful to feel excited, and some of those things can provide ...

In the previous blog post I’ve talked about the learned confusion that comes up when one is trying to set personal boundaries. In this article I will talk about another aspect of the boundaries-related struggles many people have difficulties with: learned dependency. (I recommend to read part one first.) People who have been raised in a controlling environment, i.e., the vast majority of us, often have an incorrect perception of themselves ( self-esteem issues), which leads to an inability to accurately perceive others and have healthy relationships). Children who are not allowed to be themselves – to feel, to think, to have needs, preferences, interests, and healthy boundaries – learn that: Their emotions and thoughts are incorrect (self-trust and self-worth issues, confusion, self-doubt, destructive and/or self-destructive behavior). Their needs, preferences, and interests are less important than others’ (people pleasing, social anxiety, social fears, “shyness,” passivity, ch...

If you as a child have had an over-controlling parent or other authority figure, the chances are you have developed some personality traits and psychological patterns that make your life more or less difficult. Over-controlling parents watch a child’s every move, tell them what to do, seek domination, constantly criticize them, teach unhealthy boundaries, have unrealistic or impossible standards and expectations for them, and use active or passive abuse to manipulate them and make them comply. It’s hard to breathe around such a parent – both mentally and sometimes even physically. A child who grows up in such an environment often becomes a neurotic adult. Because they were under a magnifying glass for so many years, they have learned to adapt and monitor themselves. What was external, at some point got internalized, and such a person learned to treat themselves as their caregivers treated them. Hence now, as adults, they feel the “need” for constant vigilance and self-monitoring. T...

The following text is from Alice Miller's book "Banished Knowledge." As time went on it became clear to me that the idea of children inventing traumas is absurd. Anyone is free to check on the natural law that human beings will avoid pain rather than seek it. They seek pleasure, joy, reassurance. Masochism is no exception to this rule: It is a compulsion to inflict new suffering on oneself to keep former suffering repressed. The masochist who at great expense has himself whipped by a prostitute and insists on sitting on a chamber pot during the procedure is obeying a compulsion to reproduce the trauma of his toilet training and to keep the memory repressed at all costs. Another law of life is that the idealization of the parents with the aid of fantasy and repression helps the child to survive; thus to attribute bad things to one's nearest and dearest would run counter to natural defenses and the law of life. It follows that a child will never invent traumas . On ...

In May of 2008, I visited Russia for about a week. In Moscow, we went to see The Moscow Kremlin . To be honest, today I don't remember much about it, nor did I care much about it back then. But what left a huge impression on me was a group of sculptures we saw in a park in Bolotnaya Square , 2000 feet (610 meters) south of the Moscow Kremlin. The composition is called "Children Are the Victims of Adult Vices," created by Russian artist Mihail Chemiakin. As its description says, it is a 15-figure composition intended by the author to be an allegory of the fight against the global Evil. Mihail Chemiakin wrote to his future spectators:     "I created the sculptural composition Children are the victims of adults' vices as a symbol and a call for action to save the living and the future generations. For many years it has been declared and pathetically exclaimed: "Children is our future!" However, it would take volumes to write down all the crimes ...