SELF-ARCHEOLOGY

QUESTION The longer I know someone, the more anxious I feel around them. Why is that? ANSWER It is hard to say for sure without knowing a person’s history and the particular situation they are in. Based on my personal and professional experience, someone who feels increasingly anxious around others is afraid of the relationship becoming more close and more intimate. Not necessarily in a romantic or sexual way (although it can definitely be that, too), but just knowing each other better, being more vulnerable, and so on. Now why is that? Generally, I see two cases: one , the person is afraid of building an intimate, caring, loving bond with someone, and two , they are scared of others exploiting and deliberately hurting them. Sometimes it is a combination of both. In the first scenario , the person is not used to healthy intimacy and has trust issues. They may not know how to have mutual respect, reciprocity, and power equality—or even what it looks like. They also may not kno...

It is highly recommended to read Part 1 and Part 2 before reading the following. We’ve already established why and how disconnected people react when in confrontation with reality, and that in order to remain in denial and disconnection one has to ignore trauma and silence reason—that of other people and in themselves. Here, I will talk about the personal and social effects of being a voice of reason. There are both negative and positive consequences related to being a voice of reason in our society. The negatives: 1. Social outrage. If you decide to be principled and to have high integrity, you see that most people don’t objectively see reality. If you share your insight and stand up for what is objectively right, some of those people will get upset and try to silence you. Remember, in their eyes, the problem is not the horrors and injustices of reality that you are describing, but rather the problem is YOU describing it because you are challenging their denial and delusio...

In the previous blog post I’ve talked about the learned confusion that comes up when one is trying to set personal boundaries. In this article I will talk about another aspect of the boundaries-related struggles many people have difficulties with: learned dependency. (I recommend to read part one first.) People who have been raised in a controlling environment, i.e., the vast majority of us, often have an incorrect perception of themselves ( self-esteem issues), which leads to an inability to accurately perceive others and have healthy relationships). Children who are not allowed to be themselves – to feel, to think, to have needs, preferences, interests, and healthy boundaries – learn that: Their emotions and thoughts are incorrect (self-trust and self-worth issues, confusion, self-doubt, destructive and/or self-destructive behavior). Their needs, preferences, and interests are less important than others’ (people pleasing, social anxiety, social fears, “shyness,” passivity, ch...

In the last article I’ve talked about one of the mechanisms controllers use to manipulate people that is dragging others down . Another one is the attempt to trigger feelings of unjust shame and guilt in the person they want to control and manipulate.  If you have grown up in a controlling environment , the chances are high you are very familiar with this phenomenon, and you may be prone to it today or even use this mechanism on others yourself. How does it work? When you are a small child, you need your parents’ acceptance to survive in this world. A child needs to feel that their primary caregiver accepts them, cares for them, and approves of their existence. If a parent says to a child – explicitly or implicitly – that the child is bad or somehow defective, the child feels shame and guilt, and at a fundamental level sees it as a risk to their bond with their caregiver (which means there is a potential threat to your survival and well-being). Also, because a child needs their...

I’ve heard many people refer to themselves or others as shy – both in the context of their current life and their childhood. “I am a shy person.” My child is very shy.” “Oh, she’s just shy.” Basically, “shy” is a more socially acceptable and less direct way of saying that one is scared of, or anxious about, people. It’s a euphemism, if you will. In the dictionary the word “shy” is described as “nervous or timid in the company of other people.” However, when you say, “shy,” people usually don’t feel uncomfortable. “What’s going on with her?” “Nothing. She’s just shy.” “Oh, OK.” But when you say it how it really is, it makes some people uncomfortable. (Or it may be an uncomfortable thing to say about yourself.) “He looks kind of meek and avoidant. What’s up with him?” “He’s scared of people and social situations.” Well, this raises questions and makes a lot of people uncomfortable. “Why is he scared of people…? Why does he have low self-esteem…? I wonder, what happened in h...