SELF-ARCHEOLOGY

Many of those who start therapy know or soon realize that it’s a long, slow, and difficult process. Even knowing that, people still sometimes feel frustrated. This is understandable: we all want for our problems to end as soon as possible, especially if those problems are so heavy, blurry, draining, and have been present for decades. Therapeutic Expectations and Challenges A unique thing about therapy is that there is no clear end point. To a degree, self-work involves healing from trauma , growing, and maintaining your mental health, and your well-being in general. And this, naturally, last all our lives. Self-work is an ongoing process. However, therapy can—and need to—have goals. In my work with clients, in the first session I ask what their expectations are and how they will know that we have made progress, so that the person would have some sort of point of reference, even if it’s very broad. It is interesting to note that a person’s expectations sometimes are a part of ...

Recently on the Self-Archeology Facebook page , I posted a flowchart explaining why physical punishment is not a good method for childrearing. You can find it HERE . To summarize, if the child is old enough to understand reason, use reason; if they are not, they won't understand why you're initiating violence against them. Conclusion: don't initiate violence against children. It seems simple, right? And although most reactions to posts like this are positive, there are always people who get upset and start justifying child abuse. Of course, they don't see nor present it as child abuse, but it doesn't change the fact that it is. So let's look at it... Comment [I hid it on the page because justifying abuse is despicable and not allowed, and I'll keep the author's name anonymous]:  Idiotic. Abuse is intolerable but a short sharp shock stays in a child's memory and it will learn to stay safe and learn to be a member of acceptable society. A...

Disrespectful Treatment of Children People often forget or lack the empathy to realize that children are human beings too, just smaller. As a result, children are treated disrespectfully, humiliated, controlled, manipulated, and traumatized in a variety of other ways. In this article, I won’t talk about harsher forms of abuse that occur but rather will specifically address two main forms of how children are disrespected in regular interactions on a basic human level. If you are a relatively healthy person, you treat your fellow human beings with respect. You meet someone, you say hello, you smile back, and so on. Now, since children are smaller than us and have much less life experience, it is easy to forget that they are human beings deserving decent treatment, too—one might argue even more than adults do. And yet, more often than not, children are engaged with as if they are fundamentally inferior. Such treatment can be separated into two categories: Scorn . Engaging with a...

Practice listening to yourself and meaning-making. This is a quick article on the topic of self-connection. Here, I will talk about the importance of self-connection, the origins and difficulties of (self-)disconnection, and the cultivation of self-validation and individuality. The Origins and Results of Disconnection When we are children, we often are invalidated, mistreated, rejected, frightened, manipulated, confused, and abused in a thousand other ways. To avoid all of that and survive in our toxic and dangerous environment, we learn to adapt to it by disconnecting from it—and, fundamentally, from ourselves. Then we grow up, and those survival and defense mechanisms carry into our adulthood and manifest themselves in the same or similar forms. Except now, being in a completely different habitat, they are not protecting us but hinder our growth and lead to numerous problematic, even unhealthy situations, behaviors, and moods. Being disconnected from yourself leads to realit...

This article is a response to an old, yet very pertinent comment regarding childhood trauma and its effects. About three years ago, I wrote an article called Child Abuse and Its Results in Today's Society . Some time after, a person named Lisa left this public comment: I didn't publish it at the time for relatively obvious reasons, and then completely forgot about it. But yesterday I was looking at all the unapproved comments, saw it, and thought it could be useful to comment on it. This is a rhetorical response only; I'm not actually addressing Lisa personally. I've met and observed many people who say and do similar things, and who have a similar personality and communication methods. I'm simply using this comment as a background context—an example, or a vehicle, if you will—to talk about a bigger, highly common issue that is childhood trauma. Now, disclaimer aside, let's get to it. Not that I do not agree with any of this, but as a parent (and someone ...

So, a few weeks ago, we recorded a podcast, which probably will become a regular thing. In the first episode of Self-Archeological Conversations, I and my lovely co-host Jackie share our thoughts and experiences on ageism, first impressions, preconceived notions, and the value of estimating people objectively. So grab a cup of your preferred beverage and let's settle in for an hour of self-archeology!

I’ve heard many people refer to themselves or others as shy – both in the context of their current life and their childhood. “I am a shy person.” My child is very shy.” “Oh, she’s just shy.” Basically, “shy” is a more socially acceptable and less direct way of saying that one is scared of, or anxious about, people. It’s a euphemism, if you will. In the dictionary the word “shy” is described as “nervous or timid in the company of other people.” However, when you say, “shy,” people usually don’t feel uncomfortable. “What’s going on with her?” “Nothing. She’s just shy.” “Oh, OK.” But when you say it how it really is, it makes some people uncomfortable. (Or it may be an uncomfortable thing to say about yourself.) “He looks kind of meek and avoidant. What’s up with him?” “He’s scared of people and social situations.” Well, this raises questions and makes a lot of people uncomfortable. “Why is he scared of people…? Why does he have low self-esteem…? I wonder, what happened in h...

Some time ago on the Self-Archeology Facebook page  I mentioned the horrors of lying to children. Specifically, we talked about a very popular YouTube challenge by Jimmy Kimmel, where he encourages his viewers to lie to their kids or prank them, film their reaction, and put it on YouTube. This is supposed to be funny. And the more scared, sad, hurt, and confused the child gets, the more hilarious it is to people (to the parents, to Jimmy Kimmel, and to his audience). In this article, I will talk about the harm of playing with a child trust. I will also address a couple of common justification of such behavior and talk about why this is amusing to people. Not a Big Deal? I personally never liked the phenomenon of playing with people’s trust or being played by others – both in my childhood and in adulthood. I remember how I was feeling as a child when my caregivers and other authority figures lied to me, or when my friends betrayed me, or when my classmates played pranks...

In May of 2008, I visited Russia for about a week. In Moscow, we went to see The Moscow Kremlin . To be honest, today I don't remember much about it, nor did I care much about it back then. But what left a huge impression on me was a group of sculptures we saw in a park in Bolotnaya Square , 2000 feet (610 meters) south of the Moscow Kremlin. The composition is called "Children Are the Victims of Adult Vices," created by Russian artist Mihail Chemiakin. As its description says, it is a 15-figure composition intended by the author to be an allegory of the fight against the global Evil. Mihail Chemiakin wrote to his future spectators:     "I created the sculptural composition Children are the victims of adults' vices as a symbol and a call for action to save the living and the future generations. For many years it has been declared and pathetically exclaimed: "Children is our future!" However, it would take volumes to write down all the crimes ...