SELF-ARCHEOLOGY

Perfectionism is one the most widespread  tendencies people suffer from, and it is nearly always a consequence of a dysfunctional childhood environment. In this environment, the individual was overly controlled and abused in other ways, and such a person was, among other things, expected to meet unrealistic standards, to be flawless, and was actively or passively punished for doing anything the caregiver disapproved of, and didn’t receive enough genuine love and attention. Over many years, this conditions the child to be terrified of errors or of even being perceived as imperfect.  Such a person’s caregivers usually, but not always, possess strong narcissistic traits where they either won’t or can’t see the child as a separate, self-interested human being; they child is perceived as an extension of themselves or someone who’s only here to meet their needs. The child was told what to do, what to feel, what to think, and consequently, were unable to develop a strong sense of sel...

In the previous articles we talked about the signs of controlling parenting and why controlling parenting doesn’t work in terms of raising a healthy, happy, self-sufficient individual. Today, we will look at the common problems people raised in a controlling environment have as adults. If you have been raised in a controlling environment or know somebody who has, you may recognize some of the signs described below. 1. Lack of Motivation and Self-Interest  After years of working with clients and simply observing people, I have encountered many people who had experienced a controlling childhood environment and consequently lost a sense of self-interest and intrinsic motivation. People don’t know who they are, what they really want, why they are actually doing what they’re doing, what they “should” be doing, and so on. Some say that they wouldn’t be so good as some skill or behavior if they hadn’t been pushed by their childhood authority figure, which may be true, but this is nevert...

In the previous article , we looked at the most common signs of controlling parenting. Here, we will expand on why controlling child-rearing style is ineffective.  First, one might say that it does work: you want the child to act, think or feel a certain way, and controlling parenting can achieve exactly that. Coercion works when the goal is to make someone do what you want them to do right then and there. There are a few glaring problems here, though.  Four reasons why controlling child-rearing doesn’t work 1. It’s morally wrong  It is morally wrong to use aggressive force, threats, or manipulation to make others comply to your wants. If you accept that children are human beings too, which most people probably do accept (at least in theory), then this method is simply unacceptable. If we were use aggressive force, threats, or manipulation against anybody else in our lives – a spouse, stranger, parent, friend, or coworker – our actions would be identified as either assaul...

Those of us who have encountered people with narcissistic, predatory, or even sociopathic tendencies (for the sake of simplicity referred to as manipulator ) have experienced a phenomenon where the manipulator tries to vilify you by using triangulation , gossiping, power play, mischaracterization, and other tactics. It usually goes like this....  The Mechanism Behind It The manipulator is driven by shame, insecurity, and fear. As soon as they start feeling inferior, or as soon as you notice the manipulator's toxicity—or as soon as they notice you noticing their toxicity—they begin feeling deep insecurity. In their attempt to manage it, they may try to cover their tracks and save their image by giving you made up explanations and excuses, instead of recognizing their unhealthiness and working on themselves to overcome it. If you are able to see though their smoke and mirrors tactics, ideally you will either set a firm boundary and distance yourself from them or they wi...

Recently, I was shopping at a local supermarket when suddenly I heard an annoying voice of an annoyed woman. It was a mother scolding her 5-6 year old child for picking up items and inspecting them. “How many times did I tell you that your hands should only be in two places,” she muttered in that condescending, pretentious, pseudo-reasonable tone. Which means, “Look, I’m clearly feeling extremely upset and neurotic but I can’t just blatantly lash out on you or physically assault you because it’s a public place, so I will use an authoritative and relatively calm tone filled with manipulation, impatience, intimidation, and humiliation to make you obey, which will both in the short term alleviate my emotional instability and ostensibly mask my poor parenting skills.” “What are those [two places you should keep your hands in]? In your pockets or…” “…behind your back!” finished the boy and put his hands behind his back. “Very good!” she said in a condescending and approving manner...

“Don't conceptualize reality as it is!” In this series of articles, I will talk about people’s avoidance of reality, and about personal and social outrage when encountering a voice of reason. In the first part that is this article, I will explain the origins of a person’s unreasonable reaction to describing reality and the mechanism behind this phenomenon. I will also talk about the social outcomes of openly describing the unpleasant aspects of reality, especially child mistreatment. All of us have probably been in a situation where we saw something and we’ve tried to describe or address it, but we were quickly shut down or realized it is not allowed to do so. If all of our memories were accessible to our conscious mind, most likely we would see that it started very early. Children are born rational and smart, in a sense that initially they try to experience and describe reality as it is. Sadly, in childhood and adolescence many of us are not allowed to describe reality corr...

The second episode of our podcast is here! In it, I and my co-host Jackie talk about the concepts of hope, passivity (self-)responsibility, boundaries, and more. Get cozy and join us for an hour of self-archeology.

In the previous blog post I’ve talked about the learned confusion that comes up when one is trying to set personal boundaries. In this article I will talk about another aspect of the boundaries-related struggles many people have difficulties with: learned dependency. (I recommend to read part one first.) People who have been raised in a controlling environment, i.e., the vast majority of us, often have an incorrect perception of themselves ( self-esteem issues), which leads to an inability to accurately perceive others and have healthy relationships). Children who are not allowed to be themselves – to feel, to think, to have needs, preferences, interests, and healthy boundaries – learn that: Their emotions and thoughts are incorrect (self-trust and self-worth issues, confusion, self-doubt, destructive and/or self-destructive behavior). Their needs, preferences, and interests are less important than others’ (people pleasing, social anxiety, social fears, “shyness,” passivity, ch...

In the last article I’ve talked about one of the mechanisms controllers use to manipulate people that is dragging others down . Another one is the attempt to trigger feelings of unjust shame and guilt in the person they want to control and manipulate.  If you have grown up in a controlling environment , the chances are high you are very familiar with this phenomenon, and you may be prone to it today or even use this mechanism on others yourself. How does it work? When you are a small child, you need your parents’ acceptance to survive in this world. A child needs to feel that their primary caregiver accepts them, cares for them, and approves of their existence. If a parent says to a child – explicitly or implicitly – that the child is bad or somehow defective, the child feels shame and guilt, and at a fundamental level sees it as a risk to their bond with their caregiver (which means there is a potential threat to your survival and well-being). Also, because a child needs their...

At one time or another, probably we all have interacted with people who try to demotivate you, extinguish your enthusiasm, scare you, and drag you down. For the sake of simplicity, let's call them Down-Draggers . A Down-Dragger is a person who constantly tells you that you better not do this or that because you will fail, something bad will happen, you will harm yourself, it's not in your best interest, it's too much of a risk, you will regret it afterwards, your accomplishments don't matter, you are not ready, you are not strong enough, you're not good enough, and so on, and so on, and so on. By the way, I'm not talking about constructive feedback and genuine care for another person. I'm talking about fear mongering, lack of curiosity, manipulation, acting out your own unpleasant, unprocessed feelings and insecurities, and trying to meet your own narcissistic needs by attempting to control another person.   The psychological mechanism of dragging others...

If you as a child have had an over-controlling parent or other authority figure, the chances are you have developed some personality traits and psychological patterns that make your life more or less difficult. Over-controlling parents watch a child’s every move, tell them what to do, seek domination, constantly criticize them, teach unhealthy boundaries, have unrealistic or impossible standards and expectations for them, and use active or passive abuse to manipulate them and make them comply. It’s hard to breathe around such a parent – both mentally and sometimes even physically. A child who grows up in such an environment often becomes a neurotic adult. Because they were under a magnifying glass for so many years, they have learned to adapt and monitor themselves. What was external, at some point got internalized, and such a person learned to treat themselves as their caregivers treated them. Hence now, as adults, they feel the “need” for constant vigilance and self-monitoring. T...