SELF-ARCHEOLOGY

People who have strong narcissistic tendencies and other toxic people are known for their manipulation tactics. Some of them are consciously cunning and deceiving. While others are more primitive and blunt in their disturbing behaviors. Whatever the case may be, such people tend to project heavily, not take responsibility for their actions, blame others, and use gaslighting. Here are some of the things abusers and toxic people say to their victims, and what it means: It’s for your own good. Meaning, you should be grateful, not upset. You’re too sensitive. Meaning, your reaction to my toxicity is unreasonable. It’s your fault. Meaning, I did nothing wrong here; it’s you. You deserve it. Meaning, you are deserving of being mistreated. Don’t be so dramatic. Meaning, you’re overreacting and instigating conflict. You are so cold, cruel, and lack forgiveness. Meaning, you shouldn’t hold me responsible for my hurtful and manipulative behavior. You made me do it. Meaning, you are respon...

The Shootings Robert Aaron Long Robert Long, 21, shot 8 people on March 16, 2021, including six Asian women at three Atlanta-area massage parlors. This shooting, like many before it—and many that will happen in the future—was predictable. There are certain signs and patterns that indicate to society that this is what will happen. The unpredictable part is that it’s often unclear where and who, but it’s clear that certain things will happen given certain circumstances ( stochastic terrorism ). Some people say the Atlanta shootings were an Asian hate crime, which it was. Some say it was misogyny, which it was. Some say it was hatred for sex workers, which it was. It wasn’t just one thing. It was all of these things, and more. I have been closely studying online radicalization and its real life consequences for the past 3-4 years. Several people asked me for my input so here is my analysis (sources at the end of the article).  Not a Coincidence nor a Surprise It’s not a coincidence th...

Many of us have probably heard of gaslighting. In this article, we will explore what is behind this concept and why it is so destructive, disturbing, and toxic.  Origins and Definition Gaslighting is a term used in psychology and common speech that refers to manipulation whose purpose is to create doubt in a person or a group of people. It includes but is not limited to denial, lying, deflection, and contradiction to make the target question their perception of reality.   The term gaslighting originates from a 1938 stage play and its later film adaptations (1940 and 1944). It has been used colloquially since the 1960s. In the story, the husband tries to convince his wife and other people that she is insane. He is doing so by manipulating certain elements of their environment and by continuously insisting that she doesn’t remember things correctly and that she’s delusional when she notices the changes he made.  The title comes from the husband dimming the gas lights...

There are far too many silent sufferers. Not because they don’t yearn to reach out, but because they’ve tried and found no one who cares. — Richelle E. Goodrich Peoples definition of abuse varies, but all of us have experienced abuse at one point or another. For example, bullying, physical attacks, intimidation, neglect, emotional manipulation, verbal abuse, ganging up, triangulation, character assassination, etc., are all common and typical forms of abuse. People experience abuse in their relationships with their parents, siblings, other family members, teachers, peers, classmates, coworkers, friends, acquaintances, romantic partners, neighbors—anybody, really. Many people listening to victims wonder, “If it was so bad, then why didn’t you say something?” Or, “If it actually happened, you wouldn’t have stayed silent for so long.” The truth is, however, that many people hide their abusive experiences from others. In this article we will explore the reasons why people stay silent and hi...

To understand this article better, it is highly recommended to read the previous two titled  Narcissism: What It Is and Isn’t   and  Narcissism and Self-Esteem . Narcissistic Phases and Tactics: Two Examples 1. Close relationships (romantic, familial, friendship, acquaintanceship) If you are unwilling or unable to provide narcissistic supply anymore, the narcissistic individual will feel wronged because, for them, you only exist to give them what they want. And since they feel entitled to what they want, they believe that your refusal is an act of aggression against them. Often this formula disregards reality, but to them, it is real. To deal with this and all the emotions that come with it, then, the narcissistic person will behave a certain way. The mechanism narcissists use is sometimes described as the Drama Triangle , which consists of three roles: the Victim, the Persecutor, and the Rescuer. Now, there are two versions of the triangle: the objective one a...

To understand this article better, it is highly recommended to read the previous one titled Narcissism: What It Is and Isn’t . The Role of Self-Esteem in Narcissist’s Self-Image One of the biggest misconceptions about narcissistic people is that the narcissistic person has a high self-esteem. It’s an easy mistake: some of them look fancy, have money, know how to get what they want, are respected, famous, powerful, and so on. In actuality though, they have low self-esteem. It only seems like they have a high self-esteem because they associate themselves with things that they perceive as having status or they pretend and imitate those who actually have high, healthy self-esteem. All of this gives them narcissistic supply from others and boosts their false sense of self-worth. Since a narcissist’s sense of self-esteem comes from other people’s perception of them, and since they see themselves as both not enough and perfect (depending on the situation), their main drive is to mana...

Definition(s) of Narcissism There are many definitions and classifications of narcissism. Some put it together with sociopathy or psychopathy, others say there is both an overlap and a distinction between them. Sociopathy and psychopathy are also not clearly distinct as separate concepts and often are used synonymously. Regardless of its many definitions, I find it helpful to conceptualize narcissism as a spectrum, just like any other set of character traits, behavioral patterns, and psychoemotional problems. Meaning, usually there are shades and nuances. Yes, there are people who can be called narcissists because they clearly fit all the criteria, but most fall somewhere in the middle. They are not 100 percent narcissistic but exhibit some traits, which may be somewhere from negligible, to mild, to severe, and everything in between. Rarely a person who possesses narcissistic traits is a complete narcissist, and even those who display more severe narcissistic traits are not just ...

Those of us who have encountered people with narcissistic, predatory, or even sociopathic tendencies (for the sake of simplicity referred to as manipulator ) have experienced a phenomenon where the manipulator tries to vilify you by using triangulation , gossiping, power play, mischaracterization, and other tactics. It usually goes like this....  The Mechanism Behind It The manipulator is driven by shame, insecurity, and fear. As soon as they start feeling inferior, or as soon as you notice the manipulator's toxicity—or as soon as they notice you noticing their toxicity—they begin feeling deep insecurity. In their attempt to manage it, they may try to cover their tracks and save their image by giving you made up explanations and excuses, instead of recognizing their unhealthiness and working on themselves to overcome it. If you are able to see though their smoke and mirrors tactics, ideally you will either set a firm boundary and distance yourself from them or they wi...