SELF-ARCHEOLOGY

To understand this article better, it is highly recommended to read the previous one titled Narcissism: What It Is and Isn’t . The Role of Self-Esteem in Narcissist’s Self-Image One of the biggest misconceptions about narcissistic people is that the narcissistic person has a high self-esteem. It’s an easy mistake: some of them look fancy, have money, know how to get what they want, are respected, famous, powerful, and so on. In actuality though, they have low self-esteem. It only seems like they have a high self-esteem because they associate themselves with things that they perceive as having status or they pretend and imitate those who actually have high, healthy self-esteem. All of this gives them narcissistic supply from others and boosts their false sense of self-worth. Since a narcissist’s sense of self-esteem comes from other people’s perception of them, and since they see themselves as both not enough and perfect (depending on the situation), their main drive is to mana...

Definition(s) of Narcissism There are many definitions and classifications of narcissism. Some put it together with sociopathy or psychopathy, others say there is both an overlap and a distinction between them. Sociopathy and psychopathy are also not clearly distinct as separate concepts and often are used synonymously. Regardless of its many definitions, I find it helpful to conceptualize narcissism as a spectrum, just like any other set of character traits, behavioral patterns, and psychoemotional problems. Meaning, usually there are shades and nuances. Yes, there are people who can be called narcissists because they clearly fit all the criteria, but most fall somewhere in the middle. They are not 100 percent narcissistic but exhibit some traits, which may be somewhere from negligible, to mild, to severe, and everything in between. Rarely a person who possesses narcissistic traits is a complete narcissist, and even those who display more severe narcissistic traits are not just ...

This is the first entry in the new series, "Self-Archeology Q&A," where I answer a question or respond to a comment. The first question I want to tackle today is a very common one. I’ve gotten this question from a substantial amount of people, and I have observed many struggling with it, so I will share my thoughts on it in a form of a structured article in hope that it will be useful to more people. Question: Should I, as an adult, talk to my caregiver* about my hurtful and otherwise problematic childhood experiences? Answer: First, it is worth noting that the question itself is formulated incorrectly—not from a grammatical but from a psychological perspective. The word 'should,' by definition, indicates an obligation, a lack of choice. You are not obligated to talk to your caregivers about anything, nor you are forced to do so. You can if you want to —but there is no should here. I’m not going to talk about the argument why this is the case in great de...

The second episode of our podcast is here! In it, I and my co-host Jackie talk about the concepts of hope, passivity (self-)responsibility, boundaries, and more. Get cozy and join us for an hour of self-archeology.

Contrary to some people’s expectation, this article will not be a jolly, ho-ho-holiday read, despite it having both "holiday" and "hope" in its title. It will be about the reality of how a lot of people perceive holidays and their life in general, and about a possible alternative to that. As some of you may or may not have observed, many people live a lost, confusing, unconscious, and unhappy life. One of the manifestations of this phenomenon is that they live from one event or happening to another. Halloween is coming! I better get those decorations and candy ready! Aaaand it’s gone—but Christmas is next! Family time, gifts, Jesus, and songs! Aaaand it’s gone—but New Year is next! Aaaand it’s gone—but my birthday is next! Your friend John’s birthday; a new Star Wars movie, a new Fallout video game; NBA playoffs; Black Friday, a new episode of Game of Thrones, a weekend, etc. Don’t get me wrong, it’s wonderful to feel excited, and some of those things can provide ...

The Sun Behind the Trees A picture from today Looking back on the year 2013, I can say that all in all this year was the best year of my life so far. I feel I’ve accomplished a lot this year, and made my life better than it was before. I won’t bore you with much detail, but, among other things, I’m especially happy with my personal growth. The thing with self-work is that it may be very difficult in the beginning, but the more you grow, the easier the process gets. Don’t get me wrong, it’s never easy, but when your self-esteem grows, when you feel safer, when you become more aware, when you have intellectual, emotional, and moral clarity, then even in hard times and difficult situations your emotions don’t overwhelm you, you consciously understand what’s going on in you and around you, you understand reality better and accept it, you are able to handle stress better, make more rational decisions, take better care of yourself, and be a much more mature person in general. After doi...

Everyone wants to change something in their lives. However, if we tried to do that, we probably noticed that often it's very hard do change something. Why people change and what motivates them to do so? The first – and in my opinion the most effective – motivator to change is pull , or positive motivation . It means that we feel very fascinated about something, we get drawn to something very strongly, or we truly and passionately want to achieve something. For example, we get exposed to very fascinating ideas and we get inspired to fundamentally change our life, our values, and our personal relationships. Or we realize that it's possible to live a completely different life, so we decide to change our job or move out to a different country. Or we meet new, amazing people, and we get inspired to change the world with our talents and our generosity. The essential thing here is that when we feel positively pulled towards something; this pull – and our motivation to act – ...