SELF-ARCHEOLOGY

People who strive to live a more fulfilling life eventually realize that in order for them to get better, they need to connect what went wrong in the past with why they have the problems that they have. For most people, it’s not that difficult to eventually identify physical or sexual abuse as abuse, yet when it comes to more covert forms of trauma, they may feel confused and either stay in denial or make justifications for the people who hurt them—which eventually paralyzes them in self-blame, self-doubt, confusion, and other unrealistic and unproductive mental states and irrational behaviors. Here are two common, hypothetical examples. Example #1 “I would say my father was really bad and my mother was the good one. My father routinely beat me, and I feel really angry at him because of it. My mother wasn’t violent, though. She was constantly anxious about everything. I remember as a child sitting in my room alone for hours and feeling pity for her. I felt worried about her...

To understand this article better, it is highly recommended to read the previous two titled  Narcissism: What It Is and Isn’t   and  Narcissism and Self-Esteem . Narcissistic Phases and Tactics: Two Examples 1. Close relationships (romantic, familial, friendship, acquaintanceship) If you are unwilling or unable to provide narcissistic supply anymore, the narcissistic individual will feel wronged because, for them, you only exist to give them what they want. And since they feel entitled to what they want, they believe that your refusal is an act of aggression against them. Often this formula disregards reality, but to them, it is real. To deal with this and all the emotions that come with it, then, the narcissistic person will behave a certain way. The mechanism narcissists use is sometimes described as the Drama Triangle , which consists of three roles: the Victim, the Persecutor, and the Rescuer. Now, there are two versions of the triangle: the objective one a...

QUESTION How does our mind “create” problems like anxiety, depression, bulimia, anorexia? ANSWER In order to manage unpleasant feelings or threatening environments our body and mind develops certain beliefs, reactions, and behaviors. Some of them, like you mentioned, are chronic or acute anxiety, depression, eating disorders, self-mutilation, abusive behavior, and many others. The origins of it can be traced back to a person’s early development and formative years, but some of it can develop or intensify in later life. Human beings are mainly shaped by their environment. We learn to adapt to it and develop certain traits, characteristics, and behaviors to survive better in whatever environment we are in. Some of those strategies and reactions are unhealthy and counterproductive, if you look at it from a completely objective, detached, or myopic perspective. Of course cutting your own body with a razor blade until you bleed, or vomiting out your food, or feeling and acting help...

Those of us who have encountered people with narcissistic, predatory, or even sociopathic tendencies (for the sake of simplicity referred to as manipulator ) have experienced a phenomenon where the manipulator tries to vilify you by using triangulation , gossiping, power play, mischaracterization, and other tactics. It usually goes like this....  The Mechanism Behind It The manipulator is driven by shame, insecurity, and fear. As soon as they start feeling inferior, or as soon as you notice the manipulator's toxicity—or as soon as they notice you noticing their toxicity—they begin feeling deep insecurity. In their attempt to manage it, they may try to cover their tracks and save their image by giving you made up explanations and excuses, instead of recognizing their unhealthiness and working on themselves to overcome it. If you are able to see though their smoke and mirrors tactics, ideally you will either set a firm boundary and distance yourself from them or they wi...

This article is a response to an old, yet very pertinent comment regarding childhood trauma and its effects. About three years ago, I wrote an article called Child Abuse and Its Results in Today's Society . Some time after, a person named Lisa left this public comment: I didn't publish it at the time for relatively obvious reasons, and then completely forgot about it. But yesterday I was looking at all the unapproved comments, saw it, and thought it could be useful to comment on it. This is a rhetorical response only; I'm not actually addressing Lisa personally. I've met and observed many people who say and do similar things, and who have a similar personality and communication methods. I'm simply using this comment as a background context—an example, or a vehicle, if you will—to talk about a bigger, highly common issue that is childhood trauma. Now, disclaimer aside, let's get to it. Not that I do not agree with any of this, but as a parent (and someone ...

I’ve written about the classification of child abuse in one of my previous articles, and I’ve talked about child abuse and its results many times before. Most people tend to deny or downplay the epidemic of childhood trauma and its results. This denial, which also transforms into projection and acting out, manifests on a personal and social level. On a personal level it takes various forms of neurosis, addiction, delusion, dissociation, dysfunction, depression, irrationality, misunderstanding of what’s healthy, confusion about one’s identity and boundaries, chronic fear and anxiety, irresponsibility , warped self-esteem, unhappiness, self harm, physical illnesses, and other psychological and physical problems. On a social level it is evident in such phenomenons as wars, rape, violence, predation, lack of rationality, harmful institutions and social structures, exploitation, mass delusions, unhealthy relationships, oversexualization, extreme lack of empathy for others , enormous im...

There’s this very common misconception that such emotional states as forgiveness, love, and respect (or emotions in general) depend on one’s wish and willpower, not on other person’s actions or various environmental factors. Often people believe that they can feel forgiveness, love, or respect just by using enough mental effort. However, the truth is that it depends not on the person who feels or doesn’t feel forgiveness, love, or respect, but on OTHER people’s actions. And sometimes the guilty party even blames the aggrieved party for “failing to forgive” them. “What more should I do?!“, “I said I’m sorry!” and so on. Or they minimize the harm and aggrieved party’s emotions: “It was just a joke!“, “It‘s not that serious,” or “Let’s just forget what happened and move on.” Or they make it about them: “Why are you punishing me?!” What is harm? Harm is a physical, psychological and emotional damage that has been done by someone to someone. Physical harm very often is accompanied by e...

As I've mentioned in my Introduction to Emotions post , emotion is a reaction to a certain stimulus . The purpose of emotions is to inform us about our status, in comparison with our needs, goals, wants, and values. In other words, emotions help us to get in touch with our needs and take care of our well-being. Also, ALL emotions are good, useful and necessary, even if some of them feel unpleasant. One of the most common unpleasant emotions is anger (or its counterparts: annoyance and rage ). What is anger? Anger is a hostile emotional reaction to a violation of one's boundaries (physical, emotional, psychological, or sexual) or to a denial and prohibition to pursue and/or gratify one's needs and goals. In such situations one psychologically feels that they had been abused, wronged, offended, or denied.   Anger can be triggered by real or supposed danger, thread, violence, hurt, fraud, conflict, injustice, humiliation, betrayal, etc. How anger feels...