SELF-ARCHEOLOGY

Perfectionism is one the most widespread  tendencies people suffer from, and it is nearly always a consequence of a dysfunctional childhood environment. In this environment, the individual was overly controlled and abused in other ways, and such a person was, among other things, expected to meet unrealistic standards, to be flawless, and was actively or passively punished for doing anything the caregiver disapproved of, and didn’t receive enough genuine love and attention. Over many years, this conditions the child to be terrified of errors or of even being perceived as imperfect.  Such a person’s caregivers usually, but not always, possess strong narcissistic traits where they either won’t or can’t see the child as a separate, self-interested human being; they child is perceived as an extension of themselves or someone who’s only here to meet their needs. The child was told what to do, what to feel, what to think, and consequently, were unable to develop a strong sense of sel...

People who have strong narcissistic tendencies and other toxic people are known for their manipulation tactics. Some of them are consciously cunning and deceiving. While others are more primitive and blunt in their disturbing behaviors. Whatever the case may be, such people tend to project heavily, not take responsibility for their actions, blame others, and use gaslighting. Here are some of the things abusers and toxic people say to their victims, and what it means: It’s for your own good. Meaning, you should be grateful, not upset. You’re too sensitive. Meaning, your reaction to my toxicity is unreasonable. It’s your fault. Meaning, I did nothing wrong here; it’s you. You deserve it. Meaning, you are deserving of being mistreated. Don’t be so dramatic. Meaning, you’re overreacting and instigating conflict. You are so cold, cruel, and lack forgiveness. Meaning, you shouldn’t hold me responsible for my hurtful and manipulative behavior. You made me do it. Meaning, you are respon...

All of us have probably heard this saying at some point in our lives: blood is thicker than water. When people say that, they usually mean that family is the most important thing, or that a person’s relationship with their family members is more important than any other relationship that they may have.  But is it true? By what logic? And compared to what standard? These are the questions that we will try to explore in this article. What Does It Mean? There is no doubt that our caregivers are the people we have spent the most time with. So they are, indeed, the closest people we know, both historically and geographically. However, it doesn’t mean that these are the people who we have the deepest, healthiest or most meaningful relationship with.  It doesn’t even mean that the relationship is good. Actually, it can be pretty bad, and the people in it are either unaware or even ignorant that this is the case. Yet, if they believe that family is above everything else, then they hav...

The Shootings Robert Aaron Long Robert Long, 21, shot 8 people on March 16, 2021, including six Asian women at three Atlanta-area massage parlors. This shooting, like many before it—and many that will happen in the future—was predictable. There are certain signs and patterns that indicate to society that this is what will happen. The unpredictable part is that it’s often unclear where and who, but it’s clear that certain things will happen given certain circumstances ( stochastic terrorism ). Some people say the Atlanta shootings were an Asian hate crime, which it was. Some say it was misogyny, which it was. Some say it was hatred for sex workers, which it was. It wasn’t just one thing. It was all of these things, and more. I have been closely studying online radicalization and its real life consequences for the past 3-4 years. Several people asked me for my input so here is my analysis (sources at the end of the article).  Not a Coincidence nor a Surprise It’s not a coincidence th...

All of us have probably acted against our own self-interest at some point in our lives. For some people, it’s feeling sick after eating a bag of candy or drinking too much, while for others it’s self-mutilation and mental self-erasure.  The concept of abuse is complicated. It’s simple on an abstract theoretical level: abuse is a type of behavior that is harmful. But it’s much more complicated on a psychoemotional level because people tend to justify or minimize the horrible experiences that they either went through themselves or caused for others.  We start conceptualizing reality early in life. Since we are still developing and dependent on our caregivers, our perception of reality depends on other people. In other words, how a child sees themselves and the world in general is formed with significant assistance from those around them: parents, siblings, other family members, nannies, teachers, peers, and so on.  When a child goes through an abusive experience, it usuall...

Many of us have probably heard of gaslighting. In this article, we will explore what is behind this concept and why it is so destructive, disturbing, and toxic.  Origins and Definition Gaslighting is a term used in psychology and common speech that refers to manipulation whose purpose is to create doubt in a person or a group of people. It includes but is not limited to denial, lying, deflection, and contradiction to make the target question their perception of reality.   The term gaslighting originates from a 1938 stage play and its later film adaptations (1940 and 1944). It has been used colloquially since the 1960s. In the story, the husband tries to convince his wife and other people that she is insane. He is doing so by manipulating certain elements of their environment and by continuously insisting that she doesn’t remember things correctly and that she’s delusional when she notices the changes he made.  The title comes from the husband dimming the gas lights...

In my personal and professional life, I have met and observed many people who are desperately trying to get approval and acceptance from others, never feeling enough, and being terrified of many forms of social rejection.  For many, hurt and invalidation starts very early and routinely continues throughout their life in one form or another. As a result, so many people learn that a sense of self-esteem and self-worth fundamentally comes not from within but from others, therefore they constantly seek other’s people’s approval or attention.  The Mechanism Behind It When you are a small child whose whole existence and well-being depends on others, it is vital not to feel rejected because for a child rejection equals existential death. And since as children we are constantly hurt and rejected in many overt and highly subtle ways, a lot of us grow up into wounded and self-less adults whose self-perception is skewed or blurry, to the degree to which we haven’t resolved it. If we neve...

Validation for Healing and Personal Growth People who have been abused, mistreated, hurt, or wronged in any other way almost universally seek validation. We talk to others, tell our stories, write about it, and express it in other ways.  Even perpetrators do it because, in their mind, they are the ones being wronged even though they are the ones harming others—but that’s a separate topic. Here, we will only talk about people who were actually wronged and who tend to avoid scenarios that resemble how a perpetrator seeks validation or actually receives enabling.  Everyone in their own mind wants to make sense out of their painful experiences and be validated that they are right. A commonly used way is to talk about it with others. The most productive scenario is probably to seek professional help, assuming that you can find a competent enough helper, be it a therapist, life coach, counselor, social worker, etc. But, depending on the situation, sometimes friends, family, or even ...

In the previous articles we talked about the signs of controlling parenting and why controlling parenting doesn’t work in terms of raising a healthy, happy, self-sufficient individual. Today, we will look at the common problems people raised in a controlling environment have as adults. If you have been raised in a controlling environment or know somebody who has, you may recognize some of the signs described below. 1. Lack of Motivation and Self-Interest  After years of working with clients and simply observing people, I have encountered many people who had experienced a controlling childhood environment and consequently lost a sense of self-interest and intrinsic motivation. People don’t know who they are, what they really want, why they are actually doing what they’re doing, what they “should” be doing, and so on. Some say that they wouldn’t be so good as some skill or behavior if they hadn’t been pushed by their childhood authority figure, which may be true, but this is nevert...

In the previous article , we looked at the most common signs of controlling parenting. Here, we will expand on why controlling child-rearing style is ineffective.  First, one might say that it does work: you want the child to act, think or feel a certain way, and controlling parenting can achieve exactly that. Coercion works when the goal is to make someone do what you want them to do right then and there. There are a few glaring problems here, though.  Four reasons why controlling child-rearing doesn’t work 1. It’s morally wrong  It is morally wrong to use aggressive force, threats, or manipulation to make others comply to your wants. If you accept that children are human beings too, which most people probably do accept (at least in theory), then this method is simply unacceptable. If we were use aggressive force, threats, or manipulation against anybody else in our lives – a spouse, stranger, parent, friend, or coworker – our actions would be identified as either assaul...

There are different styles of child rearing and, unfortunately, the controlling style is one of the most prevalent. Here, instead of gently guiding the child’s authentic self, the parent tries to make and mold the child into whatever they think the child should be.  As the term implies, the core indication of controlling parenting is a controlling approach towards the child. The controlling parenting style is sometimes also called authoritarian or helicopter parenting , and this is because the parent is acting in an authoritarian manner or is hovering over the child and controlling their every move. The methods used to implement it involve violating the child’s boundaries or not meeting the child’s true needs. Signs of the Controlling Parenting Style 1. Unrealistic expectations and doomed to fail scenarios  The child is expected to meet irrational, unhealthy, or simply unattainable standards, and is punished if and when they don’t. For example, your father tells you to do som...

One of the most common euphemisms and justifications for a certain type of childhood trauma is “growing up too fast.” It is a euphemism because it is used to minimize the pain that the person felt as a child when their needs weren’t being met by describing it in seemingly neutral or even positive language. It’s a justification because it is often used to argue that growing up faster and becoming “mature beyond your years” is indeed a good thing. We will explore and address all of this here. The Origins and the Mechanism What is frequently called “growing up too fast” or “being mature beyond your years” is simply neglect and abuse. Many children grow up in an environment where they are neglected and abused in such ways that they become “little adults” who, not only can take care of themselves better or are wiser than others, but also take care of their parents, siblings, or other family members. Its origins can be summarized in two main points. One, it happens because parents attribute ...